Brain never stops tickin...
Andrew has sold out and moved to live journal because its prettier
there. Update on things in my life and my view on life just click
I dont think I am very deserving of things I have. However I do think I am very deserving of any punishment I have received, whether it be from law officials or my parents. I have done a lot of fucked up shit and everyone...everyone should suffer consequences for stupid shit they got themselves into. And I, unfortunately, have gotten into a lot of shit. But back to the undeserving part. I have a great life, I have everything that I need, I have parents that love me oh so much, I have a small number of friends that I can put all my trust in, I have two cousins that I consider some of my best friends that are always there for me, and I have also have something that I question every day why the fuck does someone like me have this person in my life.
This person makes me smile like I never have. I lay one eye on her thats half open and I glow like a little school boy that just held hands with lauren Seuberling. (By the way, Lauren Seuberling is a random girl name for someone in elementary school.) She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She makes me think in ways that I never have before. She makes me look at things like I never have before. All around, she makes me a better person. And I like who I am when i'm around her. Because I am always happy. When I went out for this girls birthday I felt like it was my birthday. No I didnt recieve any presents of monetary value, but all the presents I recieved were emotional, sentimental, and yes...some physical. Seeing her is a present, holding her hand is a present. I feel so fuckin lucky when I look into her eyes it makes me go insane. I just want to scream sometimes because of how happy I am, and how happy I will always be as long as she is by my side. Just being able to see her and kiss her made me feel selfish because I was recieving a gift that means more to me then any present I could ever buy for her. Her presence means more than 20 million dollars and all the success I could ever have. She is my world and my everything. Call it creepy, call it pathetic, I dont give a shit, because no one, not a single person knows what we share in its entirety. And you can call out what you think will happen or how I will "fuck up!" But the truth is, you dont know what we share and you couldnt know the fuckin half of it. It bothers me when people think they know me or know how our relationship works. That is just fuckin ignorant. You dont see us when we're together, you dont know what I feel in my heart. Fuck those people and fuck everyone. People just blow. Except a few.
I cant take my mind off of Alecia. i just simply can't. Granted I dont try, but why would I try? When I almost got into a bar fight on Monday, all I could think about was what Alecia was doing at that moment in time. When I got a call from my agent saying that I have an audition for a new dating show on mtv, all I could think about was our first date. I am not trying to go on a date, but its money and I wouldnt do anything like that unless it was work. She trusts me completely, i'm not going to sell out and crunch on a girl I dont even know for publicity, (even though some people might think so). Its potential 3000 dollars and think of how many times I could bring her out to eat or how many flowers that is. A lot of fuckin flowers.
Today I had a very horrible day. The first half was awesome. Then it all went downhill after Jake left. I tried to do my hair but its getting to long. Then I went to work and got stuck in traffic. Then after that I was late. I got to work and I was on the patio. I had not but three tables and a swarm of bee's were flying around the patio. All my tables got transfered inside and I had to detail the patio from top to bottom. My tables that I had before were the kind that asked for one thing when ever you got back with something they just asked for. All they had to do was think a little ahead and ask for three things at once. After I clocked out I had a Jack and Coke on the patio, I started driving to Whispers for a drink then I got stung by a bee that hitched a ride in my shirt. Then I got to the bar and I drank away my bad day. But you know what made things tolerable and worth going through all that shit. Alecia. Whenever I got stressed, i'd read a text message. And I would smile, sometimes even almost cry. No one can make me smile like she can. Not nobody not no how. But all that shit wouldnt even bother me if I knew I was going home to the person that could make it all dissolve away. But unfortunately she lives in another fuckin state 400 miles away. And let me tell you...that just fuckin blows a donkey cock. Ive almost resorted to buying the Avril Lavigne cd because someone once said that she looked like her. Sure I dont see it, but thats just another thing that I could be randomly looking through and bring back a good memory instead of thinking how far away she is, and how perfect she is, only I cant be with her all the time.
Im drunk and just fuckin pissed off. Long distance is a bitch.
I know I dont deserve someone like Alecia, but im grateful and thankful for having her in my life. Even though im an incompetent ass. I'm glad that the people that I have in my life are just fuckin awesome. You people may not believe in a God, but I dont see a way that she was created unless someone sat down with His divine power and decided to make the perfect being and molded and made her into Alecia. I am grateful and I blessed because I have her in my life. And thats the fuckin bottom line. Na na na na na. You cant have her, she loves meeeeee.
p.s please dont turn this entry into a religous debate if anyone has any ideological differences, please.
Whats up my blog viewers. Long time no update. You see my brother told me to try out livejournal...so I did. I'm not so sure I like as much as blog. Too many of "those" kids on livejournal. Everyone goes through their live journal stage. Mine was just shorter. About "those" kids. You know which ones I mean right? The ones with the..you know, and the uh huh.
You know, I had a dream about Donald and cupcakes. Its weird how often those two things coincide. We were in a hallway but it was in the Chandler mall by Hollister and that candy store, but all the walls were blank and there were no stores. Donald and I were picking out the best cupcakes for me to steal. They were the chocolate ones with the chocolate frosting and the rainbow circle sprinkles. mmmm they were good. Donald and I enjoyed them.
So anyway, I had class today and it was a hoot. Not really , we watched a video on Anorexia Nerviosa and Bolemia or however the hell you spell it. But it was quite interesting. Because "all" models and dancers are anorexic. And I was like, no. Did you know that it is rare to see in males, but the number increases every year. Is that because we are fucking more or because there are more homosexuals every year as well? Just kidding. But yeah, I never worry about my weight, and Im a model. Wow that sounds awesome. "Yeah, i'm a model." I dont like saying that to strangers because it makes you sound conceded. But why should it. Its a job, just because its glamorous you shouldnt feel like its conceded to share your employment. But anyway. I have been working at the Macaroni Grill all of 2 months a week and they are promoting me to a trainer. It could be that im just that fucking good, but it also could mean that I kiss ass very well, or that my homosexual manager has a zoom on me. Whatever it means, im glad that I am getting the respect that I want, err deserve, or whatever. Anyway, Chilis is the hot spot for employees after shifts. My boss John and I go over there and drop a few. Its pretty nice...to drink that is. Not excessively, but relaxing beers, which might even be worse. But whatever. I will write more later. Peace out ya'll.
"Our deepest fear isnt that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond all measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are we not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesnt serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that
other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others."
-1994 Inaugural Speech
"The Hero's journey always begins with the call. One way or another a guide must come to say,"Look, you're in sleepyland. Wake. Come on a trip. There is a whole aspect of your consciousness, your being, that's not been touched. So you're at home here? Well, there's not enough of you there."
And so it starts.
The call is to leave a certain social situation, move into your own loneliness and find the jewel, the center that's impossible to find when you're socially engaged. You are thrown off center, and when you feel off center it's time to go. This is the departure when the hero feels something has been lost and goes to find it. You are to cross the threshold into new life. It's a dangerous adventure, because you are moving out of the sphere of the knowledge of you and your community."
Not calling myself a hero, im not saying I should be held high up. But this quote made me miss home a lot. I feel that loneliness that he speaks of, I am in search of that jewel that I couldnt get when I was socially engaged. I have left my home to an emptyness and I feel it everyday. But this quote gives me hope and encouragement. I did not leave my home, my love, my friends for nothing. I took a narrow escape to an unknown world that so many have taken and some will take. You dont have to leave your home state or even your home for that matter. For some people its an actual physical move but for some you can stay in your home town and still be out of the loop. I hope all of you find your dangerous adventure. I know Chuck has already experienced it when he graduated early and he is again when he he goes to Chicago. Donald and Alyx in New York...and so many more have left their comfort zones in search of their jewels. Some did not move and are still in search of their jewels as well. We are all growing up friends...and its scary. Eventhough we Mountain Pointe graduates will be spread all over the Country...home will still be in Arizona. I wish all of you the best fortune in whatever you do, wherever you go, and whoever you do it with. I respect all my co-graduates no matter what life they choose to lead. Its been fun guys...
Everyday I wait for something...its right around the corner just down the block and its coming. I dont know what it is or what it will do, but its coming. I can feel it in my veins and see it in my eyelids. I'm waiting and soon enough it will be here. What will be here, you ask? I dont know...
All I know is that I'm sick of waiting and I am anxious and ready to start building my career. Photos are in, Z card in process, and letters and resumes are sent. Now I just wait. Wait for letters of representation, for jobs that need to be auditioned for, commercials to appear in, movies to star in, and cartoons to voice over. The time I spend waiting for things to finish discourages me. Why? Because I feel like I am doing nothing therefore I am being lazy. School, training, work are all busy work and nothing to do with my career. I want to be on the cover of that magazine, I want my voice to be coming from that cartoons mouth, I want to be Fezz's gay cousin guest-starring on "that 70's show." Waiting is something i've never really been good at. It makes me lose my drive, but now I realize that there is never time to just wait. I could be training myself, making a demo tape for voice overs, writing more letters to different types of agents. Im sick of waiting and i'm ready to make things happen. I choose my attitude and I want to be content and ambitious all the time. And I will, no more waiting around, I will dream, I will pursue, and I will succeed...
"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the enivitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes."
Some might say that im too young to worry that much about my future and to relax and to have fun. Well, having fun to me is securing my future, in life...in love...and in happiness. I dont need to binge drink every night, once a weekend is fine, but I want to retire early and travel the world. I want to send my kids to college, I want my little girl to have the prettiest wedding she could imagine, and I want to make sure that I am financially stable enough to support a family. Because I want at least three kids. I've already reached the point of taking responsibility and i'm not quite an adult. I cant go back to being a kid so I want to take a step up to becoming an adult and let me career ensue. Im sick of waiting, lets make things happen...